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So I'm not sure if this counts as an existential crisis or something like it, or what.

Lately, I've been trying to figure out why exactly it is that I can't seem to write anymore.

I honestly can't remember the last time I actually set out to write something and actually finished. Hell, I can't remember the last time I sat down to write and didn't end up derailed or defeated. The mostly-joking phrase "HOW DO YOU WORDS?" is, for me, quite literal at the moment. I get an idea, gear up, sit down to write, and nothing happens. It's like my brain is just like "Haha, NOPE." I don't know if it's lack of practice, lack of confidence, lack of people who legitimately give a crap about anything I might have to say, I just. I don't even.

It's not a lack of ideas, because I have ideas. I have ideas upon ideas upon ideas jotted down in notebooks that are full of nothing BUT ideas. It's not a lack of inspiration, because I still seem to be able to find inspiration in the strangest places: A song on the radio, a football game, a photo on Tumblr, a familiar memory. Anything. Everything. I frequently find myself burdened with OTP feels, and I lament about them often (mostly on twitter, in the form of incoherent "AASKLJHASASLJH JUST HEARD 'SET FIRE TO THE RAIN' ON THE RADIO OMG THORLOKI FEELS OMG WHYYYY" posts). It's just, you know, trying to articulate those feels on paper; therein lies much of the problem.

One thing I feel is holding me back is this "what's the point" mentality that I've seemed to develop. This isn't something I've always felt, but it is something I've felt for a while, and I wish I could shake it. I remember when I wrote because I enjoyed doing it, because the pairings and stories made me happy. If there was someone out there who wanted to read what I wrote and share those feels with me, then that was all the better, but it wasn't the end of the world. I've never been one of those "fandom-famous" type writers. Nothing I've ever written has had an astounding number of readers. Most of pairings and fandoms I participate in aren't particularly popular these days, and the ones that are (the Avengers' fandom for example) already have an obscene number of writers who are exponentially more talented than I am, so it's like, why even bother. My contribution to those fandoms, I feel, would be like pissing on a five-alarm apartment fire. I will always feel intimidated and inadequate when it comes to large fandoms, but that's another story for another day.

So that covers the "lack of confidence" thing. Which brings me to the next topic, "lack of people who legitimately give a crap."

This is probably one of the most petty things of all, but those of you who do write know how much it sucks to put your time, heart, effort and thought into something and put it out there for the world to see, and nothing happens. I will never be one of those pitiful people begging their readers for reviews and threatening to discontinue a story due to a lack of people reviewing or leaving comments or the like. Hell, I would be happy just to know I HAD readers, but I digress. My original point, creating something (be it writing, art, etc) and sharing it in some venue is like putting an extension of yourself out there. If you're sharing your work, you're obviously wanting someone to acknowledge that work. It's a crappy feeling when nobody does. Yes, I know, ABLOOBLOOBLOO CRY MOAR but it's a fact.

I've been told that nobody posts on FF.net anymore. This was actually news to me. I'm always out of the loop, so I'm not really surprised. A lot of the people I interacted and shared things with here on LJ are just, you know, gone, which is sad. I miss this place, and a lot of you gave me some good feedback and opinions back in the day. I've been shamefully inactive here as of late, so I should hardly be surprised nobody's here anymore. I'll be surprised if anyone even reads this, to be honest.

I've signed up for an account at A03, because apparently that's what the cool kids are doing now. I'm nervous about it, but maybe it'll at least get me back into the groove of writing and posting again. I need to regain my confidence. I need to stop concentrating on how inadequate I feel, how shoddy of a writer I feel like I am, and get back into the game, so to speak. I've been benched for far too long. Time to get up off my ass and back into the swing of things, and to remember why I used to write. I need to get back into the mentality of writing simply for the sake of writing--for the characters, for the story, for the simple fact that I enjoy it, and that it makes me happy.

I'm just not sure how to get there.

Time to begin the process again. Anyone want to be my coach?



( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 6th, 2012 09:43 pm (UTC)
I personally view writing as exercise for my brain the way I view running as exercise for my body: I'm not a gifted athlete, but exercise is still intrinsically valuable. I have a gdoc of an original fic. I write a little bit for five minutes every morning before work. Sometimes I think it's a great masterpiece, other ties it seems like the worst piece of garbage of all times. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.

So: start anywhere. Write for five minutes. Rinse and repeat.

Hope that helps!
Nov. 6th, 2012 09:59 pm (UTC)
The writing:exercise analogy is a good one, I would agree. Partially because both can be painful if you go a long while and then try to do them again. I'd say my brain is pitifully out of shape at this point. I had a drive, once, and I need to find it again. And if that means getting back in the saddle for a few minutes every day, well. :) I think it's worth a shot, and this has helped. It's good to hear from you again, too. <3
Nov. 6th, 2012 11:01 pm (UTC)
Good to hear from you too!

You may be interested in joining the forum wordsanthem, a support/enabling com started by the lovely leigh57
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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